another balloon

[machinery]

we were
separated by an ajar
car door, you, nearing
an exit.

post kiss,
heart was a let-go balloon
that rose up beyond retrieval.
lost track to keep eye contact
with you.

?one more.?
wanted to keep eyes open
to watch your lips form,
but closed as your advance
nestled the door between
our bodies.

wet explosion,
hint of tongue, your timid
retreat was timely with three
words not heard in quite
some time.

as you
drove away, a thrown kiss
was captured and I sat
on the stoop waiting for your
return, but you were just
another balloon.

<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ August 30, 2007 12:43 AM: Message edited by: machinery ]</font>

[Hannibal]

?one more.?
wanted to keep eyes open
to watch your lips form,
but closed as your advance
nestled the door between
our bodies.

--I didn't like that part at all. Not to be harsh - but, it was confusing - it seemed muddled, and not very clear. I couldn't get a good picture like I could with the rest of the peice.

IMO - it stopped the rythm - the flow of the work. It goes well, it flows nicely (although not as good as others you've written) but that stanza throws it all out of whack, and makes the second half, cause the reader to have to 'readjust' and find the flow again.

Overall - I think this peice needs some revision in the overall flow. Normally - the style you've adapted here suits your writings well, but here, the breaks in mid sentance type dealies - well.. they're just not as powerful as they usually are. At the end - the last two stanza's we begin to see some of that power coming out. The way you get the right words to really smack the reader of reality & beauty.

But in the first couple it's lacking that... almost too bland (although I don't think that's the right word for it), but it works because of the subject matter (But I bet you could better it with revision)

But that middle stanza... It just seems muddled and confusing.

Hope this helps...